Joyful Hope

Wew! Gak kerasa sudah mau masuk bulan keempat tahun 2014.

Udah lama banget gak blogging, padahal sebenernya banyak banget yg pengen diceritain, tapi tahun 2014 ini emang sungguh banyak cobaan :)

Dimulai dari akhir Desember 2013.

Tepat 12 minggu kurang satu hari , kita mengalami cobaan berat, our honeybun gak berkembang, jadi harus dikuret, belum perlu deh dituangkan disini kronologisnya, yg pasti memasuki tahun baru 2014, kita berdua bener2 in a darkest place. Lalu, sabbatical mode on selama sebulan, mikirin what went wrong dan segala halnya, akhirnya memutuskan untuk bangkit dan moving on.

Kalau waktu pas tahu hamil, semua saudara dan temen2 terdekat langsung kita kabarin personally, kalo gak bisa ketemu, ya by phone. I'm that kind of gal, keliatannya mungkin aku galak, tapi sesungguhnya sangat sentimentil. Tapi pas kejadian ini, i kinda shut myself from the world. Mau bilang apa? Capek batin lho untuk jelas2in ke orang2. Si abang juga melarang untuk membahas hal yang sama berulang2 ke orang lain. He told me to manage myself first to accept the reality.

Walaupun keliatannya gue bawel sering blabbering di path dll, tp am a private person. Pada akhirnya, gue memutuskan untuk menulis ini sebenarnya karena tadi sekelebat mikir, selain pengen sharing spiritual moments, ada juga kejadian waktu kami hamil - keguguran itu, bikin kita semakin aware, mana sih yg emang beneran temen yg berkualitas, dan mana yg gak. Mana sih orang yg beneran perhatian dan mana yg emang cuma kepo, karena ada aja kejadian aneh semisal: kok acid gak langsung ngasi tau gue sih? kok gue baru tau sekarang kabarnya? well, honey, this is NOT about you, it's not always about you, it is about me and my family. Jadi lucu aja kalo orang selalu menuntut perhatian gue, tapi sebenernya they don't give me in return, boro-boro deh, nanya how are you today aja ndak pernah kok. Bertahun2 gue cukup sabar lho untuk terima karakter teman(teman) yang seperti ini (surprisingly ternyata gue org yg sabar, hehe), ya emang kalo sama temen sabar gue bisa berlipat2 ganda, but just don't disappoint me, just don't, i have the capability to shut and give my attention to the river, buang ke kali maksudnya hehehehe. Kejam yaa.. hooh, soalnya gak punya waktu ah untuk ngeladenin drama2, udah pada tua, tau diri masing2 aja kali yaa..

Okay, back to my miscarriage story.

Days after that, entah kenapa iseng buka fb seorang temen malay, she put a link to her profile, the title is: Hope After Miscarriage.

Deg.

Gue klik link itu, nama penulisnya Becky, she is married and have two children, one is coming soon, pernah miscarriage 2 kali :( , dan dia anak Tuhan. God can answer me in lots of way. Serius. Tuhan tau aku bertanya2 gak henti2, bangun - nangis, mau tidur - nangis. Padahal gue bukan cewek cengeng (kayanya sih hehe). Dijawab dengan baca tulisan Becky, walaupun pas baca yaa berderai2 sendirian di kamar, tapi aku tau, He answers my question. All the time. Setelah baca, sempetin kirim e-mail ke Becky, grateful kalo ternyata dalam segala hal masih ada harapan, dan akan selalu ada harapan, and God sent her writing to me! (later on, she replied, and she said she will send her prayers for me - amazing how God works through a total stranger via internet!)

Quoting from Becky's experience:

I have trusted God through grief, and I have rejoiced with Him in gladness. This one thing I know, His worthiness is not dependent upon the outcome of our prayer. He is good and His goodness endures forever.
Friends, there is hope after miscarriage. There is hope after death. There is hope after devastation. There is hope when the prayer isn’t answered. There is hope when the bills aren’t paid and the baby is hungry. There is hope when your husband leaves and says he is done. There is hope after cancer. There is hope during cancer. There is hope when the war is raging. There is hope in Christ alone. My prayer is that you would come to know that hope as well.
 I revisit this story of God’s faithfulness at least once a year. It is a time for me to praise Him again specifically for guiding me through such a painful time. I thank Him that I didn’t lose my faith, but that through this, our relationship became deeper. As I was praying the other evening, I saw her. An image flashed before my eyes of a little brown haired girl sitting backwards in a chair pulled up to a big table. She looked a lot like my sweet 2 year old, but had a long brown pony tail. She was about 5 years old and was just beautiful.
Yes, the baby died well before we knew who or what it was, but I believe with all of my heart that the Lord gave me a little glimpse into heaven. While there are times that my heart still aches to know the child, there is no greater peace than the assurance that she is held safely in the arms of Jesus… the same arms that hold me today.

Hope. That's what keeps people alive.
Who can give you hope?
Only God can give you one.
Just have faith.

That's what i feel and believe.

My honeybun will always be in my heart, praying that he (i just knew he's a he!) will sit next to God, and whispering to God so God will send us his brothers/sisters.

We love you, honeybun.


Jadi what's next?

Here we are, back to square one (or two?), with full of hope and joy.
Trying to conceive.
Praying and hoping that this time, on our 6th anniversary,  we're really expecting, and counting several months to give birth.

Once again, nothing is impossible with God.

PS: Dear my future child(ren), I hope you will find a way to choose us to be your parents.